One year without Kelsie...

Today is March 17, 2019.

A whole year has passed by since Kelsie died.

I've been thinking so much about her this weekend.

The other night she was in my dreams all night long.

The other week I heard her collar jingle from the laundry room. Truly. She will always remain a part of me.

These photos in this post were taken on April 28, 2009; ten years ago on Kelsie's 8th birthday. Oh the happy days when dear Dad could see, and he and Mom would walk over to visit, sit a while, and walk back home. This was one of the happiest times of my life. I tried so hard not to take it for granted. Dad was 79 in this picture, and Mom was 75. Kelsie loved it when they visited.

This lovely home and beautiful garden is long gone, on Aberdeen Street and Vanness. Everything is so ugly now. No one plants tulips or has a garden. 

Kelsie's 8th birthday cake. 

A walk in the evening too, under the gorgeous Kanzan cherry trees.

What are they looking at? We often wandered far from home. Kelsie was ecstatic. On this occasion, we had given Matthew a lift home. He used to live in this area. I had actually forgotten until I looked at the street signs! So Kelsie had a car ride too, on her birthday. She adored car rides.

Then she would sleep very well at night. Sometimes she would bark softly in her sleep. 

Good night, dear little dog. An era is at an end. 

By Loretta Houben

9 months ago...

This was Christmas Eve last year, in 2017; Kelsie's last Christmas. It was 9 months ago today she died. This whole year has felt very flat and 2 dimensional. I guess you would say I'm dearly attached to living things, including pets. What will I do when my loved ones die? 

I still miss Kelsie a great deal. But I can go whole days now without feeling angst. I just feel a loss, like something sweet is perpetually missing or misplaced. For Christmas this year, I hung her stocking in her room. She loved that stocking so much. It has bells and jingles when it's shaken. Yes, we always put out her stocking which she loved to open on Christmas morning. Last year she wasn't greatly interested. She seemed tired a lot.

Here she is trying to see what's inside.

This was a gift from Mom and Dad. They loved to spoil her at Christmas. 

Kelsie really liked this squeak toy; the only thing she was interested in. She played with it quite a bit in the few months she had left. In only 3 months she was gone, and I didn't know it was coming, although I did notice she was very tired and old and loved to sleep a great deal.

I still cry when I remember her. I just want her back so badly. Dear sweet little dog of mine...

By Loretta Houben

6 months ago....1/2 year....

6 long months without dear Kelsie.

Things are starting to fade...some of the memories are growing dim, but every once in a while it seems like she is just around the corner. Recently I thought I heard her whine, and Leona heard her collar jingle. So she is still "with us". 

5 months ago....

I still cry when I remember Kelsie.

The tears just ooze into my eyes.

But 17 years is a very long time to have a doggy companion, especially one who was so fond of me.

It was only 5 months ago she left us forever. 

Here she is laying on the bedspread. I had taken the sheets off to remake the bed, and I looked around and there she was!

These photos are from 2006. I have many pictures of Kelsie and I'm sooooo glad I do! We had such fun times together. She loved to lay on the back step and keep an eye on things. It was a little hard to get out the door though! She never liked to move once she had laid down.

Kelsie adored my Dad. She always laid down at his feet when he visited. I miss those days of his visits. 

Life is extremely short.

You think it will last forever, as it sure feels that way when you are young. But be prepared. Enjoy each precious day when it comes. Take nothing for granted.

I have enjoyed all the days God has blessed me with, but looking back they seem like a mist; like a dream.

However I'm grateful for each one of them. 

I'm grateful for the happiness which bubbled inside all the hours I've lived with my loved ones, both human and animal.

By Loretta Houben

4 months ago....

4 months ago, Kelsie died.

Robert and I were at 3rd beach today, so I didn't remember in the morning. I still miss her very much. The other night I had a nice dream about her; she was in the whole dream, and I held her and could feel her warm fur and her paws. Last month when Robert was at a Scout camp, it felt like she was in the living room with me, right beside me. It was the oddest sensation, yet very comforting. Most of all I miss our walks, and now in these very hot days of summer, I miss her on the deck with me, sharing ice cream.

Oh Kelsie, I cannot forget you.

One month ago...

One month ago today Kelsie died.

It's been a hard month.

I've missed that dog so much.

I never knew you could get so attached to a dog.

Before Kelsie I'd never owned one.

Kelsie will always live on in my heart. For 17 years she was such a part of me, it feels like we are entwined forever.

The photo above was taken 2 years ago.

She always loved her birthday cake!

This was at the rhododendron gardens at Deer Lake two years ago. Kelsie loved her walks there.

This past weekend we went away to Victoria and it was the first time I'd got the suitcase out to pack, since Kelsie wasn't here. She always suffered such angst when I'd get the suitcase out of the closet in the kitchen, that I'd have to do it on the sly. She never liked us leaving. 

We had a lovely time in Victoria, even though it was icy cold, but it was so very strange to return to an empty house with no little dog happy to see us, and no little dog to have a walk with in the evening. How very lonely it is now. 

I'm so glad I took so many photos of Kelsie and our adventures together. This was taken two years ago in April on our way to the DQ when it was much warmer than this year! Kelsie loved her ice cream treats!

By Loretta Houben

Two weeks without Kelsie.

Two whole weeks without my little dog.

It seems so much longer. 

There are times when I feel okay, times when I feel flattened, and times when I simply cry.

It will take a while for me to get over this.

The photo above shows Kelsie just before the vet put her to sleep. I'd never seen anyone die before. It was very peaceful. Although extremely sad, I was glad to be there until the end for my friend. She loved and trusted us so much. We did the very best we could for her all her long and happy life.

On Good Friday we attended church and had communion, then we went to Costco and got a membership, and shopped a little there. We ate lunch at the On On, one of our favourite restaurants where we had honey garlic spare ribs after 6 months abstinence! Robert really enjoyed that.

We went to Market Crossing where I bought a top for Easter; I can never find a dress anymore. 

We walked in Foreshore Park nearby, remembering Kelsie the whole time as it was a favourite place of hers.

Then we stopped at Mandeville Garden Centre and bought the lovely pot of flowers shown above using money from my parents to remember Kelsie by.

I set up her urn and the lovely cards we got, plus a book I'd made at Shutterfly years ago.

It was a nice little memorial for her, which I showed to Leona when she came by that evening to watch "Call the Midwife". It was a full day. 

By Loretta Houben

First Friday without Kelsie.

Well, it's now been 7 days without dear Kelsie.

It was one week ago she got very sick and she had the episode at 11:30 pm. I'm remembering many good things about my very good dog. She was a real sweetie and always wished to please. The photo above is June 2002. 

This photo was taken in Barriere BC in August 2002. We decided to take a trip up there. We never did it again with Kelsie! Of all the strange things, Dora decided to take her black cat too, when she heard we were taking Kelsie. Kelsie wanted so badly to get that cat! It was quite a rigmarole to say the least. I feel very worn out with grief. It's still the strangest thing to realize I will never see Kelsie again.

Goodnight sweet dog.

First Thursday without Kelsie.

Today I felt very flattened.

It seemed as if life had no colour or flavour.

I think it's all caught up with me. Robert was all set to head to work in Surrey. I didn't want him to go. It's only been one week since his gall bladder surgery. Robert usually doesn't listen to me. It gives me angst. However, a co-worker said he had to stay home today, and told him that his meetings would be organized by conference call. So I'm grateful to that person! It somehow helps to have him here. I keep looking for Kelsie. The photo above is from April 28, 2002: her very first birthday.

I made a special "cake" for her. She loved it.

I'm working through the 2002 photos now. We surely had many good times together. You don't realize how good your life is, until it has sped by. 

It was very cold and wet today. It poured all morning. No little dog to let in the back door and rub off with the towel. No little dog shaking herself until her collar rattled. No smell of wet dog filling the kitchen. The weirdest thing to me is that no one is there to let out often. I feel bereft and very lonely.

This photo was taken in June 2002, at Trout Lake. Kelsie loved going to parks in the car. She loved car rides. She loved exploring. She was a great companion for Matthew.

First Wednesday without Kelsie.

Today Robert worked from home. Yes, indeed, only one week after his surgery. It's spring break, so our normal routine is gone at the moment. Usually Robert heads off to Scout Canada meeting with his cub scouts. He's a leader and enjoys it immensely. When the weather was good, and when Kelsie felt more peppy than she has been the past 2 weeks, she would always know when he was returning home around 9 pm and she would always be anxiously waiting at the back door, looking out the sliding glass door to see if she could see him. Each night Robert would take her for a walk around the block. On nice evenings I would often go with them. Lately the walks were very slow, and just up to Wellington, across the street, up half a block, and back. That's all she could manage lately. Just a week ago, before Robert went on his trip to Victoria with the cubs, we took her for a long walk, as she seemed up to it. We walked all the way to Ann Street and back along the lane and up Ruby. Kelsie was going really slow by the time we got half way up the street. That was our very last long walk together.

 I took her for her very last walk, just by myself, last Friday March 16. Little did I know it was the last. We went up the street, to the right, and down the back lane. Kelsie seemed really happy and I'm so glad I had that last wander with her. She was a terrific walker up until last summer. I even walked all the way to my parent's home last May, although that nearly did her in. I miss my walking buddy so much. We often took afternoon rambles together, and it was really sad to see her get older. But of course it was inevitable! She didn't have any arthritis as we left the laundry room floor on for her each night. Lately I'd just kept it on full time as we've had a very cold and damp winter. The first photo above is of Paul and Matthew walking Kelsie in Oct 2001. On that day she was 6 months old. The last photo was taken Feb 20. This is the last dinner photo with Kelsie in it; she always loved to have her picture taken!

First Tuesday without Kelsie.

Little Kelsie, in June 2001.

She fit in immediately.

She was always such a good dog.

Matthew loved her too, and when he moved away in Nov 2008, Kelsie couldn't figure out where he went. Life is full of ups and downs; full of joy and heartbreak. Most of the days flow in a pattern, but then comes the time for a big upset and turmoil. It felt like that when Matthew moved out on Nov 28, 2008. I didn't want him to go; he was only 19. But he was very independent. Yet I still had Kelsie as she remained here with us. That was a big help to me, as the ache caused by Matthew leaving was very painful indeed.

Now that little Kelsie is gone, the pain has grown deeper. Tonight was the first Tuesday without Kelsie at suppertime, and the first Tuesday with Matthew here, but no Kelsie to greet him. She always seemed to know when he was coming, as I'd clean house and scrub all day. She just loved it when he was here. Up until recently, they would play energetically together, and sometimes in the evening if it was warm we'd all go for a walk together. As Kelsie got older, this happened less and less.

However last Tuesday, which we didn't know was our last one together, she sat near us at supper and whined a lot. Because she wasn't eating well, I only was giving her dog food, but that night I gave her some raw carrot which she gobbled down. She also ran to the back door when Matthew and Robert left at 10:30 pm to go do the risers, and she hadn't done that in a while. She wanted to go out too, to see them off. It was like she was saying good-bye.

The past few days I've been looking through all the photos I took of her in 2001, and I've been putting them in a special album on my Facebook page privately, so I can view them on our smart TV. I have so many lovely photos. It really helps to re-live the memories, as Kelsie now lives in our hearts.

First Monday without Kelsie

Today was the first Monday without my little pal.

It was an easier day than yesterday.

Yesterday it felt like my heart was physically broken with pain. I never knew you could feel like that over the death of a little dog. 

It helps that Robert is recuperating from gall bladder surgery from only 5 days ago. What a week this has been.

As I remember the things Kelsie did, and how many memories I have of her, I'm writing them down and will share some of them here. These photos were taken Sunday, Sept 23, 2001. It was Kelsie's first walk in Central Park in Burnaby. She just loved it!

I'll never forget that day as in the evening, Robert's mother, Ruth Houben, died. Twelve days before that was 9/11. It was a terrible time in my life, but Kelsie added such joy.

Here Kelsie has spotted her first squirrel. Matthew enjoyed walking her, and played with her for an hour after school each day. They were best buddies. When Matthew moved out in Nov 2008, Kelsie didn't know where he had gone. He visited once a week every Tuesday since then, and Kelsie would often wait and watch for him at the kitchen door, when it was time for him to come home on Tuesday evening. Somehow she always seemed to know it was his day.

Kelsie was always happy, and whenever I had a migraine, she sensed something was wrong, and she would lay by my side in the bed the whole time I was recuperating, or she would sit on my feet. She was my ray of sunshine on the darkest day. It helps to write about her, and remember all the good times. We had 17 years together!

First Sunday without Kelsie

Today, March 18, 2018, was a very sad day.

When I got up and went downstairs, there was no little sleepy dog in the laundry room curled up in her warm bed. Sometimes she would be waiting at the gate, anxious to be let out. Lately she slept in often, and had to be called to go outside. I had taken her bed and blankets out yesterday and thrown them away. I had also thrown away her water and food dishes, as it hurts too much to be reminded that dear Kelsie will no longer need them.

The saddest thing of all was when I made French toast for breakfast, and as I was eating it, the tears began to flow. I always saved a little piece for her; I had done so recently as she loved French toast with real eggs; she wouldn't eat the kind that Robert made with his artificial eggs as part of his low fat diet. I cried and cried because she was no longer there at my feet and nor will she ever be again.

Today has been a really hard day.

I thought I wouldn't stop crying. It was awful.

I can leave the kitchen door open again. I've had to keep it closed since last June, when dear Kelsie had incontinent problems. She never could understand why she was kept out of the living room. It became too hard to clean up the rug.

We tried to spend a lot of time with her in the kitchen, but the past few months she was sleeping a lot in the daytime. She was very old and tired and her energy level went way down. I even had to tape pieces of wax paper on the bottom of the glass French door, so she couldn't peer in at me sitting on the couch; she would bark really loud. She couldn't understand the paper being there either. She would sometimes stand way back by the sliding door, and bark at me from there if she needed out.

I cannot believe how much I miss that dear dog. It actually feels like my heart is breaking. It hurts so badly.

Yesterday after I'd cleaned out the laundry room, I noticed this little paw print. It was like Kelsie said good-bye to me.

Goodnight, me sweet Kelsie. xo

By Loretta Houben

Farewell, my sweet little Kelsie. 2001-2018

April 28, 2001 - March 17, 2018

Kelsie, the best little dog that ever lived, is now romping at the Rainbow Bridge with all the other dear little dogs who've gone before. Little Kelsie lived a good full life, and brought us all much joy, laughter and love. There will never be another dog quite like her. How I will miss her sweet affection and funny little ways. She loved her long walks together with me and Robert, her rambles in Central Park or Foreshore Park, her doggie treats, and laying in the back yard in the sun, or watching me garden. Rest in peace my dear sweet canine friend.
These were the last photos taken of her, on Feb 6 and Feb 20th.

Celebrating Year of the Dog, February 20.

I had hoped it would be a good year...

February 18, 2018: Kelsie's paw prints in the snow for the last time. Something caused me to take a picture of this. Exactly one month ago...

Farewell dear little doggie friend of mine.

It feels like my heart is breaking.

xo

By Loretta Houben

Aug 21: solar eclipse!

Today, August 21, 2017, there was a solar eclipse over certain states in the USA. Here in Vancouver BC we had an 87% eclipse but without special glasses I didn't notice anything unusual except a murkiness in the air. The sun dimmed a tiny bit, but if I wasn't aware of an eclipse happening I wouldn't have noticed anything.

Here is Kelsie, age 16, laying in her first partial eclipse and she didn't seem aware of anything. But she's half blind, so that isn't surprising. 

The next solar eclipse in these parts is in 2042 I believe. I'll be 82 so I might get the special glasses then. LOL!

I remember the solar eclipse on Feb 26, 1979. Here is a video clip of it from online:
1979 eclipse

And here is a photo I took this morning, showing a bit of eclipse shadows through the tree!

By Loretta Houben